2:32 a.m. - 2003-03-17
Theres a cloud outside that looks just like a duck sitting on a pond. This is especially fun because I live next to a lake, and theres the sound of geese honking coming from the other side of the building.
Forgive me reader, for I have sinned. It has been about 2 weeks scince my last entry. I've got deep black circles under my eyes. I was sleeping even less than usual, almost nothing, or nothng at all for days at a time. The line between asleep and awake, reality and dreaming became blurred and indistinct. This culminated in halucinations, and almost complete withdrawl from the world. (I saw my nine nch nails poster move, and my xmas lights writhing and curling like tenticles.) Finally I slept for 14 hours one day, and about 22 hours the next, and Im starting to feel a bit better. I resurfaced to daylight and discovered that alot has happened in my abscence, and none of it good. There are friends I've had scince I was a child. Their families are extensions of my own. I came back to my life to discover that one of these good men, whom I've known scince infancy, had to have two heart bypasses. A month ago. Another one of my freind's fathers who I've known scince elemetry school got cancer and died. A month ago. I didnt get to say goodbye. I didnt even get to go to his funeral. My freind didnt even know what city I was living in, let alone how to reach me. This feels even worse because its completely my own fault. I've been too wearily self-absorbed to talk to my own oldest freinds. I wish I could promise you that I'll never leave you again.
Also, my mother filed for a divorce. I dont know if my dad has gotten the paperwork yet, or how he'll take it. They've been seprated for awhile,but I always thought, perhaps naively, that they'de eventually grow up and sort it and get back together. Lost my job, lost my home, and my family has disolved. I have lost all basis for stability in my life. As liberating as I know this is, it feels scary. And sad.
Good morning sleepyhead. Welcome back to the real world.