8:13 p.m. - 2004-09-01
Like insects in amber
I was supposed to be at work 6 and a half hours ago.
Last time I was able to muster enough energy I went to the kitchen and got candy and caffeinated cola thinking it would help me get to work, or at least get dressed. It seems to have only made me more tired though, and now I sit here, half asleep and half desperate, inexorably stuck in this chair.
Saddly this is not the first time this has happened. Occasionally the mere thought of going to work will sap my strength and indeed my very will to live. I'd be at work being lectured by some white trash lizard faced cunt with too many kids about how expensive everything is, again, and I'd start to think:
"I could stab myself with this ballpoint pen. Then I'd either be in the hospital or dead. Either way I wouldnt be here."
But then I realized, if there were any truth to the human soul or hauntings, its possible my soul would be trapped in Targ3t forever and I'd be, as heidiann said, "haunting women in flipflops and ill-fitting shorts for the rest of enternity." Sure I'd be a martyred saint to retail workers everywhere, but it isnt worth it to me to have my memory intrinsicly linked with somthing I hate so much.
It was about this same time that I stopped eating. I had lost my appetite entirely, and was losing weight much too quickly. I went to my doctor thinking I was sick and he ran some blood tests as a courtesy but decided I was depressed and prescriped me some very expensive antidepressants. I've railed against medication for years but now even I had to admit it had become necissary. At the same time he prescribed me sleeping pills for my insomnia and Vicodin for my knee. Does anyone else find it odd that he would diagnose me as depressed enough to need medication and then send me home with a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of pain killers?
Anyway, the brilliant bit about last time I didnt show up is that no one appeared to have noticed. I showed up the next day like nothing was wrong and nobody said anything. I checked the previous day's schedual notes and there wasnt the required "NC/NS" (no call/no show) mark next to my name. My breaks had been highlighted as if I had taken them. My theory is that either one of the new supervisors was working that day and misstook someone else for me, or that they only looked for me when it was time to take my breaks, looked up and didnt see me, and assumed I'd gone already and marked me off. Incompetance finally works for me! I dont expect to get that lucky again. In fact I fully expect to get fired for this. Im trying really hard to care whether I do or not, but am failing at that as well.
The antidepressants helped alot for awhile, but its not enough anymore. Its not enough. I need some real change in my life. All this stagnation and enforced boredom is a slow death for me and I am tired. So. Fucking. Tired.
I want to be kidnapped by pirates, or to run away with the circus. Or to just get in the car and drive...... These are the days that make pioneers and junkies. I'd set the world on fire if I could get out of this chair.
