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1:14 a.m. - 2004-10-14
\"You didnt get a second opinion on somthing called a 'brain-cloud'?!?!\"

Hey, it was only ONE month between entries that time! HA! Ha-ha! Ha..... heh... Yeah yeah I suck and I know it... And now that I think about it I should really stop saying things like "I've been contemplating suicide" and then disappearing for a month or three. Bad form dont you know, most inconsiderate.

Unfortunately that same depression makes it difficult at best to sit here and (attempt to) be witty or clever and talk about more than just how much I hate everything, and who needs more of that? No one I know, and yet I continue on to say that my eyes ache and my brain feels like a tiny shrivled thing stuck uncomfortabley to the top of my brainpan, and I want nothing more than to sit in a very long hot shower and let the steam rehydrate all the little fiddly bits inside my head, but before I do that I want to say a few things I should have said, that I meant to say, a long time ago:

Firstly I want to thank the people who have me listed as a favorite, for reading me in the first place and because not a one of you dropped me during my long abscences. Id like to specifically thank my newest additions: luvabeans, faux-pas, monkey-king, stupidmen, masala-, and bluenadia6.

Thanks to his-holiness for talking about me all the time therefore giving me lots of referrals. HA!

Thanks to valkyrie1223, faux-pas, schmutzie, and always, my beloved heidiann for your concern. It really meant alot to me. Yes my doctor is a fucking idiot, and yes its very possible that I have food allergies, but if I switch doctors they'd makes me EXPLAIN myself, and fuck that. And....and what if I'm allergic to dairy?!?!?! Life without quesadillas, and quattro fromaggio pizza, and icecream, cream cheese on my bagels, and frosty chocalte milkshakes? That, my friends, hardly seems like living at all.

Thank you for all the unreturned kindnesses you sent me as notes and comments and emails. Thank you for pestering after me to keep writing when I want to give up. Thank you for putting up with me. For putting out for me. And thanks in advance for forgiving me for posting two absolutely nauseating treacle-sweet entries in a row. It wont happen again.

I have bored the piss out of even myself with all this melencholy and self-pity. Im bored to tears with my life in general, bored to anger, and one way or another there is going to be change, my little kittens. Im going to claw my way out of this rut I've worn so deep it looks like a well from down here, and when I'm out I'm going to learn to drive a bulldozer and fill the motherfucker in so I NEVER fall in it again.

And then I'm going to work on using some less cliched metaphors...

Because youre going to be hearing a lot more from me, because theres going to be so much more to tell.


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