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1:15 a.m. - 2005-09-09
I'm like a movie villain, I keep waiting until you think I'm dead and then I pop up again!

August 16th-18th I did my first solo roadtrip ever. I drove to San Diego and back to be a bridesmaid in my friend Kristie's wedding, which is a very good story that I'm saving to tell when I get the pictures. One of the seemingly, or at least comparatively, very small outcomes of the trip is that I am no longer taking my antidepressants.

Anyone whos ever been a part of a wedding knows how chaotic and nervewracking it can be, even when youre not one of the poor suckers getting hitched, and I managed to forget to take my pill one day and accidentally took it twice the next day, and ended up being a total wreck. I decided to skip it for a few days to let my chemical levels even out, which usually leaves me lightheaded but this time didnt. I went a few more days without just to see what would happen, (SCIENCE!) and nothing did. I felt fine. Better, in some ways, than I had since I'd started taking them August before last. My brain is clearer, and my libido is back to its normal crazed-frat-boy level. (And you know I'm taking advantage of that.)

See the thing about antidepressant, at least for me, is that while the lows arent quite as low, the highs are nowhere near as high. I felt removed from the world and not in a cool stoned or zen-like way. Like I was watching my life go by as one long really really boring TV show. I started to wonder again if it was possible that I'd died and just didnt know it. If my heart kept beating and my lungs kept breathing, if I kept gettting up and going to work and eating and drinking simply because no one had told me it was okay for me to stop. Thats no way to live, why save myself from suicide by becoming the living dead? I'd rather struggle with the pain of the warring angels and demons in my soul, even when the demons are winning, than be left empty, quiet, and cold.

This is all just ME of course. I know anti-depressants have helped and saved alot of people out there, but everyone reacts differently to them and I think theyre definatley not the answer for me. No, I'm pretty sure my solution involves a masseuse, Godiva chocolate, and lots and lots of oral sex. Now, how do we get them to stock that at the pharmacy?


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