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11:35 p.m. - 2003-12-01
No time for love Dr.Jones!
I was just out on the balcony smoking again, watching planes fly by and wishing I were on them, the way I used to when I lived with Rose. I miss living with girls. Having someone always around to talk to and fight with and to help me pick out clothes. Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I were a lesbian, the understanding just comes so much easier. I make poor choices when it comes to boys, which is a cliche little detail I dont like to share, or admit even to myself.

I'de say the main appeal factor of the boys I've been finding myself attracted to lately is convenience, and sometimes very little else. Which was the goal of course. Freindship, good conversation, mutual gratification and nothing risked. It all works so well on paper. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy it, I really do, or else I wouldnt do it. And dont be misled into thinking there are great numbers involved because there arent. But it gets old, as all things do. Life without risks is a cowards choice, and I am no coward.

I have this friend who is truly beautiful in all ways, and if I could choose who to be attracted to I'de choose someone just like him. But pretty as he is he inspires only my maternal-care-taker instincts instead of any mating instincts. I may not be a very good little girl, but I am a good person. Nonetheless I'd be no good to a good boy like that. I wouldn't even have time for one. I'd like to recommend him to any ladies out there though. One in particular he seems to hold a fancy to, though she doesnt read this diary. At least not yet. A plan is forming.....hmmmm....

Anyway, these irrational animal things are especially vexing to clever girls like me, who are used to being able to reason our way out of things. There was this great HBO movie with Emma Thompson based on a play called "Wit" and there was one part that got to me even more than the others, where her charachter is dying of a brain tumor, and overcome by the absurdity of the situation, tearing up and incredulous she says to the camera "I thought being very smart would take care of it." Not that I want to compare my frivilous love life to a brave woman facing death, unless maybe this could be said to be a cancer in my soul.

So, aforementiond boy, because I know you read this, know that I flip a lucky for you in every pack of smokes, because everyone could use a little extra good mojo, maybe especially you. Just now when I was outside I wished on a star for your happiness but I dont know if it heard me because as I was wishing a cloud obscured it, but in its movement it uncovered another one, and I wished for myself instead.


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