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3:07 a.m. - 2003-07-10
still recovering
Cant sleep. Again.

I've got the "Twin Peaks" soundtrack on. Its really good but really eerie, especially at 3am. Some of you (Judah) might even say "spooky" or "creepy."

I cant sleep because I'm sick. Im sick because I spent all last week partying with my friends and now I'm paying for it. I'de been neglecting them you see, so they were craving the Sonya-love, and I've suddenly become popular. Tuesday I went to a kegger/show at Dead Syndicate house, and finally got to see my friends' band Maelstrom play. They were fucking awsome. Im not so much into the metal thing anymore but damn, they were good. It got broken up by the SJPD before Dead syndicate could play though, much to everyone's dissappointment, as it was their CD release party and their last show for a great long while, because their drummer moved to Australia right after.

One of the vocalists for Dead Synicate, Alex, used to work with me, he was one of the strays who used to crash in our spare room, and he was always pathetically greatful, like he was surprised and touched to find kindness anywhere. That boys always in trouble too. Poor kid, he'd bring out the maternal caretaker impulse in anyone.

It doesnt hurt that he is IMPOSSIBLEY gorgeous. As we were leaving the party I hugged him goodbye and he wrapped his arms around me and wouldnt let me go until I let him kiss me.(He was rather inebriated.) Which, really, was one of the more awkward things to happen to me lately. Even worse, he had a really really great mouth, full and soft and senual. That kiss tortured me for days after.

Its been so long scince I let anyone touch me in a more than plutonically affectionate manner. Im trying so hard to be a good little girl, I really am! Probably its a big fat waste of time, but I've still got this thin vain hope, that If I can just behave myself long enough, maybe Lizard will trust me again. Maybe I can prove to him that I am good, that I want only him, that I'll wait, I'll do whatever it takes. But I have no reason to think Im not torturing myself for nothing. I cant wont wait forever if I dont get some sign, some hope, thats its doing some good.

::Sigh:: I'm too old for this shit.

So after the party thing Audra and I went to '80's night at The Spy Club, and it was ok (for a San Jose club, weak for a real city.) I swear every goth type event I've ever been to anywhere in the state will have a tiny elderly asian man with a fu manchu and an early NIN shirt in attendence. He must come standard with the DJ equipment, packaged along with The Smiths Greatest Hits.

The next day we went to Adrenochrome, and It was as much fun as The Spy Club wasnt. Added bonus I ran into some old freinds of mine, and a good time was had by all. When I got home I wanted to do a drunk entry sooo bad, so I could read it and laugh at myself the next day, but my head hurt too bad, so I couldn't find the words.

Friday was the 4th, and that whole days a big haze. Too much alchohol, too many cigarettes, and WAY too much second-hand pot smoke. Im actually allergic to pot, which took me a number of years to figure out. I get asthma attacks, sinus infections, and bloody noses. This is why I am STILL sick. Fucking stoners.... I'm not a bitch about it,I dont even complain. I decided that scince I know they smoke pot and have to decided to continue to hang out with them anyway, Its my problem, my responsability. But they know I'm allergic to it, and the least they could do is not smoke in the car, where I cant get away. I mean, its not like I just dont like it, it makes me sick.

The next day was Sunra's birthday party, which was sooooo much fun! I finally got to see Kelly and Louis again, yay!!! But there was much much more drinking and smoking and I had to try to sleep on Josh's couch, and then at midnight we went and saw "A clockwork orange" on the bigscreen, and then I finally, mercifully, got to go fucking home.

And home I still am, fucking 4am, in front of my computer in my underwear, sick, cant sleep, no reason to get up in the morning anyway, alone. In the dark. Just me, and you, and Julee Cruise.


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