9:51 p.m. - 2003-06-24
The soundtrack to my entire love-life, past, present, and future could be the song "Lover you should have come over" by Jeff Buckley.
Fair warning: This is a LONG story, and some of this entry is a little more personal than what your used to (from me), but hey, its my journal and I'll write what i want to. Because, you see, theres this boy...
We used to work together and I was fully smitten from the very first time I saw him. (I dont believe in love at first sight but it keeps happening to me anyway.) Sometimes I though he liked me too, but I was never sure, then I quit that job because I thought I was going to have to move to Seattle, but I didnt move, and anyway I hadnt heard from him scince November. But I didnt forget him. Honestly,....I still think about him alot. A week ago maybe I signed the guestbook for his bands website and he emailed me back. Today I got to talk to him on yahoo messenger and it was so great just to talk to him! We started talking about the old days though, and that lead inevitably to me spilling my stupid guts. Of course, He already new. Few people have ever accused me of being too subtle. Anyway, turns out he used to like me too for awhile, but heres where it all gets a little bit stupid and a whole lot confused.
We've all been hurt before. Every one of us. This boy aperently has been hurt many times in the same way, and now he's wary of every girl's intentions, afraid of being used just for sex again. Oddly, but endearingly, he has to be in love with someone, it has to mean somthing, but I didnt know this at the time. I had no way to know he wasnt like all the other boys I was used to. I doubt I need to explain a stereotype concerning boys and sex.
So there came the time when I thought I was going to have to move far away. I thought about him almost constantly, I invented excuses to hang out in the receiving area where he worked just to hear his voice, smell his smell, see if I could make him laugh... I needed to spend as much time with him as I could before I left. I knew how much I was going to miss him. I tried to soak up as much of him as I could , so I could maybe take a little bit of him with me. But it wasnt enough. I needed more time. I tried inviting him out to do things, concerts, movies, I told him he could crash at my house after work if he wanted to. He had a very long commute home and back, where as I lived just a few miles away. People were ALWAYS crashing at my house, as i had a spare room and my parents didnt mind. But you can see how this would look to a suspiscious mind. Especially because when I hang out with the boys I swear like two drunken sailors in a fight who work as sex phone operators on the side. For my own part, I was hitting on him a bit of course, but if I wanted to sleep with him, it was because I was so crazy about him.
Once I heard about a several hour long phone conversation that happened between him and a very sweet but insanely over-sexed freind of ours, it probably did get worse. Because now I was jealous and had reason to believe that sex really was what he wanted.
Yes I was very attracted to him, and yes I would have slept with him anytime he wanted me too, but even this isnt just about sex, its about how I felt about him. I loved him so much I'de have done anything for him.
He saw my desire for him and thought it made me just like all the other girls who used him and hurt him. I sensed his distance and ran after him with the abandon you feel when you know that you're never going to see someone again.
I'm not proud of any of my behaviour, it was stereotypical, and disingenuine. I'm not sure which of those two things are worse. Fortunately these are not ways i typically act and Im certainly not going to make a habit of it now.
All this was just enlightened for me a few hours ago by the man himself. It does feel really good to have the air cleared, and at least now we can be freinds again, but, as any girl can tell you, anyone we have ever loved we will always love. Lizard, I will always regret you.
Now Im going to go lye in a pool of self-pity and have a sulking fit unrivaled in the annals of history! Tomarrow, or maybe the day after that, I'll go see about a certain cute freind of mine...